How to be Successful on Facebook (funny) - Ultra Spiritual Life episode 18 - with JP Sears
Like any sport, facebooking is ninety percent mental
So you can elevate your game to the next level. Let me tell you about the essentials of facebook psychology.
Whithout these you have no business being on facebook.
This is when you periodically check to see how many
likes your post has gotten. By periodically I mean every five to ten minutes for the next eight hours.What's more important than social media - social status. Without like watching you can't watch your social status blossom after each post you make. 50 likes! that's what I'm talking about!
There's something far more important than your financial worth and even your actual self worth, and that's your facebook network. Facebook net worth is measured through the currency of approval. To calculate your facebook net worth so you know the value of your existence just follow this simple formula that i created. Take the number of facebook friends you have multiply that by the total number of average likes you get on your post per day multiply the average number of comments multiply post you get multiply how many times you were tagged in other people's posts per day divide that with how many posts you make per day and that's your facebook net worth. Anything over a hundred thousand , you are doing pretty well for yourself.
The covert cleavage attention selfie
This technique is best used when you have a deep hole of emptiness in your heart and you gotta fill it with attention. Though the cleavage in yourself is obvious, you got to keep it covert with your words by talking about the decoy
In this case the necklace i just love my new necklace LOL. If you were to be mistakenly honest and just say here's a boob shot of me, people would know you're desperate and wouldn't give you any likes. But by drawing attention to the decoy people still know you're desperate but they will give you likes. You're smart enough to know that objectifying yourself while pretending you're not will always get you more likes than your personality will.
Someone in your newsfeed blindside you, with his status that says, something like bad news, grandma just died. What do you do with that!? You can't like it!
That implies you're joyful about grandma being dead, you can't ignore it, that means you're heartless for ignoring it. Your grandma's dead! What am I supposed to do with this? what's the answer?Grandma gets a thumbs up for dying, but this isn't a compassionate like, it's a passive aggressive like. I like it Kevin, hope you're happy. I'm glad she's dead. It's intended to punish your friend for hitting you with a riddle that only has wrong answer, just so he can get sympathy. Liking the post is the correct wrong answer.
The compulsive newsfeed Savior check
You haven't checked your news feed for like 20 minutes, because you're actually doing something. then all of a sudden you're hit with this intuitive / obsessive-compulsive urge. I gonna check my news feed. You don't know if someone's in trouble posting about breaking news or worse yet; doing something more interesting than you are! Everything checks out, now, you can go about your day with the inner peace that all as well. It's a thankless job but true heroes are never seen
Secret admiration while secretly attacking
When you're looking at facebook you secretly believe that everyone has a better life than you, while you secretly trying to make everybody else believe you have a better life than they do. It is just a necessary consequence of being on facebook. It's like being a surgeon- cutting people just comes with the territory.
I'm just shooting a video probably more important than what you're doing LOL hashtag better than you hashtag plz notice me hashtag ultra spiritual
Just when you thought being tagged was a good thing. An alleged friend of yours tags you in a five minute long senseless video about nothing. OMG you got to watch this JP sears funniest thing ever. You can't be bothered wasting five minutes watching a bit, you know when that five minutes could be wasted scrolling deeper into your news feed. You think, i'll just ignore without succumbing to the imposing obligation of wasting my life watching this video. Then you realize I can't like or comment on anything because if I do… hello i'm logged in and i'm ignoring his video he tagged me in. Now you're watching the video, you've lost respect for your friend because he thinks this is funny. It's primitive, you resentfully leave a winky face emoji as a comment. You're not going to give them the satisfaction of leaving words as a comment. It's basically a win for you. Ten minutes later you're sharing a video tagging your friends in it, so they're obligated into commenting their way into validating your life's existence. And the circle of life continues.
Forensics follow up to your posts
Here you're doing a comparative analysis between the post of years that have gotten a lot of likes and the ones that haven't. You deeply studied architecture of these posts, sentence structure, subject matter, length - what makes a post likable. Your excavation strike gold when you identify the likable elements such as superficially saying what's on everybody's mind so they feel more justified in their thinking. You then identify the unlikable elements such as expressing genuine thought and care, these don't get you any likes so there are no longer part of your life. That's what being authentic is all about!
This is something to take highly seriously.
It's like the chastity belt for the purity of your privacy. Totally making this facebook profile so that nobody can ever see it. You got to get your settings right to protect yourself from the people, who you imagine are trying to crack through the Fort Knox of your Facebook privacy settings, so they can steal the treasure of your personal information, things like what movies do you like, where'd you go to high school and pictures of your cat. Keep it private.
having a bowel movement used to be something you did all by yourself . Not anymore now you refuse to have one, unless you have your phone in hand so you can stay connected to two thousand of your closest friends. It's too lonely otherwise. It's a medical fact that scrolling through facebook is good for your bowels, better than fiber. Now that your toilet time is synonymous with being on facebook. You've gotten used to the fact that by the time you stand up your legs are tingling. It's a price worth paying to be connected.
Nnow you're well-equipped to have a successful life where it counts most. facebook. Oh and please be sure to contribute to my youtube network by subscribing to my channel. Validating my existence is in your hands